I have so many thoughts going through my mind this weekend, that I have a hard time finding inspiration to write here...
I am not yet ready to display some of these ruminations on the internet, although none of them are necessarily embarrassing, shameful, negative, or offensive...just too tangled to relate on writing...
I need to talk to a few people...and I need to make some decisions...but luckily, the whole purpose of this month long blog exercise is to motivate me into action. Helping me figure out what I WANT, and how I can go about achieving that.
sometimes I wish the world weren't so full of choices...decisions are not easily made by those with complex, conflicting personalities...and as a woman, in a world where I have been brought up to believe that I can do ANYTHING I set myself to do, the overabundance of available choices is daunting...and decisions hard to come by and harder still not to second guess...
I hate to say it in writing...that makes it real, and evidential in a court of law (in case someone ever tries to prove me insane, that is...) but sometimes I wish life now was like it was 100 years ago...where I would already be married, with a husband who worked, and I stayed home to cook and clean the house and care for the kids...How terrible is that? Yes, I might have still been able to attend college, but I could have also been secure in knowing that I was making the right choice because it was practically the ONLY option...To be a wife and mother...a respectable position, but one that I feel (perhaps illogically) I'm over qualified to settle for...I am a product of the 20th Century, one filled with war, and poverty, and suffrage, and literature, and media, and medical and technological advancement at the speed of light...
We have it all, they say...we can be anywhere in the world in 24 hours...we can go to space, we can defy death, and gravity, and women can be more successful than men...but no one can ever have it all, and right now I feel like i'm grasping at straws, trying to find that one piece that will lock it all into place, to allow me to STAY happy...being happy isn't the problem, its being happy with what I choose and continuing to know I've made the right decisions that haunts me. Perhaps this is where my insomnia stems from...I can only know the outcome of the decisions I made in hindsight...who knows how much more I've missed out on by taking the roads I did...
...And I am missing out...I am not complete...
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1 comment:
You're so right. Being a product of the 20th century means being overwhelmed by choices. Even down to doing the grocery shopping, we're constantly bombarded with too many options - which can greatly slow the path to productivity. It's hard to tell these days, whether the gendered role of being a housewife is better than having professional aspirations. Being better or worse is one thing. But being happy or sad is a completely different animal. I guess the key is to not dwell on "what might have been," but rather attempt to find happiness in whatever comes along. These are difficult decisions to make... but I'm sure things will work out if you keep yourself optimistic. Sorry that was a little cliche... but yeah, you know what I mean. Loves you!!! <3
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