Soliloquy of a Mad Passion: Reflections on 30

Well, I did it! I made it to 30! And when I say I made it, I mean I made it to thirty years of life, and thirty days of writing! Not gonna lie, it was a hard month for writing. I have been so super busy with work, it wasn’t great timing to take on another project, but it was fun and I’m glad I did it. It went very fast, and I hope you enjoyed reading some of my daily ponderings.

Now, reflections on 30 years. It feels weird to say I’m 30. I was comfortable in the 20’s, really settling into that decade. Now I feel like I’m the newbie at the party that all the 30-somethings are going to. I don’t feel 30 (besides being tired, but these days I’m always tired), nor do I think there can be a real ‘feeling’ or ‘mindset’ that is equated with entering into the fourth decade of life. I look back and I have had a very full life up to this point. So much travelling, trials, tribulations, fun, friendship, love, insanity, hardship and lucky breaks. Many missed opportunities, but also opportunities taken, Risks averted, risks taken. Words left unsaid and others stated loudly. That’s all life is, right? Little things, both good and bad, that pile up behind us, helping mould us into who we are as we grow.

It’s weird to think how if I had done just one thing differently my whole life could have been different. Sometimes I think to myself ‘Urgh! Why did I ever start this effing degree?! I am so tired of academia and I feel like an idiot and I’m never going to pass!’ But then, in a flash, I see all the wonderful things I never would have experienced and wonderful people I never would have met if I hadn’t taken this on. I have met two of my closest friends in the past two years, one in my programme in Edinburgh and one in Mexico, and I am so GLAD to have them in my life, and I would have never met them if I had done something else with this part of my life. I probably would not be living in Mexico, learning Spanish and doing research and experiencing such amazing things. I might have not been able to return to the UK and spend more time there. There are so many ‘what ifs’ and ‘why did I do this’ thoughts we have in life, and many times these cloud our thoughts, focusing on what could have been instead of appreciating what IS and what HAS been.

So now, here I am, trying to put into words how I feel and I really can’t. I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with love when I see all the lovely birthday greetings and think about all the amazing support I have from friends and family. Overwhelmed at the thought that I only have two weeks left to feel like I have a good enough amount of research to leave Mexico, and overwhelmed at what this year will bring next. A return to Edinburgh, writing a 60,000 word thesis, new friends, new experiences, new hardships and joys. It leaves me breathless with fear over the unknown future and thankfulness for all that I have.

So there you have it. The last 30 days have been one wee journey in my 30 years. Thank you for being a part of it. And thank you for being a part of my life.

Love, Kim

p.s. here are a few pics from my birthday celebration last night with friends. I'm going to miss them all so much!